-DO OR DIE DAY 4 : average , dry lips , slight depression?

~i realise that my life is filled with regrets. ok i realised that a long time ago.

~these regrets just keep piling up... like crappy homework.

~i guess the real reason i wanted to study physics was to build a time machine. i wanted to go back to the past so badly, make things right, change my life.

~now , i bare the many scars of my past. its sad to live out a pseudo life and not the life i really wanted.

~but then again, how many people have the luxury of living the life they want? perhaps a few? but i do know many struggle and fight for their ideal lives.

~does this define us as human ? i wonder... perhaps its time i stop this crappy talks and get down to business.. but alas, i am still tightly bounded... ... i wonder when i will be free..

~people get to dream... but my dreams are almost always about regrets... i so badly need to be back to my day 1 at sec sch... it still seems so vivid.. as though it was ytd... at the poarch.... with all the little kids.. around... i was looking forward to life, i was normal to say the least...

~now... i am but a pale shadow of my former self... is this all fate? is there really no fight or challenge to what is destined for me? i don't know... sometimes i wonder how long more i can hold on... or is ending everything the easy way out, or rather the coward and irresponsible way...

~i am indebted to many around me, and that makes me even harder to make a choice. its not as clear as 1+1. thats why i always say, if you are smack in the middle, you are having the worst time. you don't know to despair for life or rejoice for life. its a see saw battle. test of endurance and determination. i know i have plenty of those, because i may still alive after going thru so much shit.

~i just wonder when my destiny will change. when i will stop being given the short end of the stick. when i can live my life out as a normal person. maybe next life? if there is a next life.

~i dread the nights when i wake up in the middle of my sleep, becos i know i won't be able to sleep anymore, for that night i mean. its hard. once the regrets flow in , they just seem to be never ending.

~i don't know why i am so negative. perhaps i meet to many positive peeps in my life. maybe i should go see the unfortunate. then i may feel better. but .. i don't know... consolation is the last thing i am looking for. i think what i really need are practical results. things that are tangible. not feelings or emotions. i neeed results.

~i applaud the courage of those who live thru their lives as though it is the end the next day, even with their conditions. i don't know, it makes me kinda feel like i am capable of such too. i think i just haven't straighten out my thoughts.

~its hard i guess.. 10 years of shit afflicted on me, since 12. i wonder what i did to deserve such punishment. my facebook's status had this quote that says "what is the worst form of torture", to which i gave a not really true answer, physics. ok, physics is hard, but the torture, well, is not even at the same scale as what i am suffering now. so the true answer to that question? well, the fking afflictling fk that is fking my life upside down.

~people tend to have a brave front, and i think mine is prolly one of the most undying ones. it keeps crumbling , but i kept rebuilding it, with sweat and blood. i don't know how much more before my body crumbles. but i am very thankful to my family for understanding and helping my life out.

~too bad, people don't understand what i am going thru. they and their potty mouths, immature brains, unevolved thought process are appauling. i think i matured too much, to the point that i question the ways of the world. is it good? is it bad? i don't know. i don't have time to write another gp essay. btw, screw gp :)

~i slept at around 10.30pm today, woke at 2am. around 4 hrs of sleep, and 6 hours of waiting through the silent night, for the dawn to break. it hurts to see the morning rays physically and mentality. it seems so fiercly emitted that it threatens to pierce my fragile skin.

~anyways, i think this is one of my longest post to date. is it an accomplishment? i think it means my life is going downhill. i don't know. is it good to reflect so much? i guess so... but it also means that i m emoing too much. is it bad to emo then? maybe not, makes you a better person and understand life better, you start to have a feel that the world is not rosy.

~if i could, i would fight for my life
~if i could, i would turn back the clock
~if i could, i would be a better son
~if i could, i would not emo
~if i could, i would live my life as though it is the last day
~if i could, i would treasure everything around me good or bad
~if i could, i would strive for excellence, academically and socially
~if i could, i would not be addicted to gaming which practically destroyed me
~if i could, i would make sure my health does not deteriorate
~if i could, i would go out and see the world with my own eyes, feel it with my feet and touch it with my hands
~if i could, i would not make the mistake of being a fk tard
~if i could, i would be more expressive and courageous
~if i could, i would not cause hurt to anybody for any reason
~if i could, i would and i must.

~its 4am now. i hope i can sleep